A bbq, complete with Air Force entertainment was staged in Afghanistan and the Sudan recently in honor of Bin Laden, Bunghole of the Year.

Music was provided by the U.S. Marine Corps Sniper Band, who extended their deep regret that the guest of honor was nowhere in their sight(s). The Army corps of chefs were searching furiously for the recipient of this prestigious award throughout the two countries. As usual, France was NO fucking help. During the debauchery, a missle "accidentally" blew up the French Embassy. Clinton was quoted as saying "oopsy"

Boris "Buy me a drink" Yeltsin back in the driver's seat

Boris Yeltsin was seen today in an upright position in the Kremlin, after the Russian economy collapsed. He is rumored to have come back after finding out that a bottle of vodka now costs over 3 million rubles.
"This has got to stop" Yeltsin was quoted as saying.

Elsewhere, Novgorod prostitutes have changed the way they do business. "The ruble has taken such a plunge," one prostitute was quoted as saying, "that we had to take the money home after every trick. The money would fit in a large box."Now, only Mastercard, Visa, and American Express will be honored in Novgorod.

My fellow Americans, I have just spent six hours doing a very difficult, almost impossible thing -- explaining sex to Ken Starr. I have answered all of his questions.

Now I have one of my own. Did this really happen? Did I really work my ass off my whole life to become leader of the free world only to be lashed to the stake of adultery by a grand inquisitor who nobody ever voted for?

I balance the budget. I preside over an unimpeachable era Of peace and prosperity, but then you want to take me down for fibbing about diddling an intern in a thrown-out civil case by a woman whose gripe was she saw my weeny in the disco era?

Are you people kidding me? And now you want an apology? I don't think so.

But I'll tell you what I am sorry about -- I'm sorry that for the service I do around here 24-7, the tail I did manage to get wasn't better. I ain't Marv Albert over here, all right? And while we're at it, let's cut out this crap about this not being about sex. If I hear that one more time, there's going to be a stain on somebody's clothes and it's gonna be blood. Look, I'm sorry Ken Starr can't get laid.

I'm sorry wives don't like giving oral sex. I'm sorry I'm a flesh-and-blood human being in need of some affection and release in what some might consider a high-stress job. And by the way, next time one of our embassies explodes or the Asian markets need a little hand-holding, remember who thought it was more important that I spend my time telling a jury about my penis.

Oh, I forgot, it's not about sex. Yeah, right, it's about lying. Well, grow up. People lie about sex. And nobody else in the world lapses into a police state over it. Of course if you empower a special persecutor to stray into sexual behavior, you will create perjury crimes. But come on, what guy hasn't lied about doing a fat chick? I'm mad! Don't get me unmad.

If that makes me a criminal, take me away right now. But I also go as a victim of treason, because what else is it when an unconstitutional fourth branch of government conspires by endless legal harassment to overthrow a President twice elected by the people, the real and only real source of political legitimacy? And so, as I go off to prison, I thank the people for the 70% approval rating. And to those many others who feel their curiosity about my personal life has blossomed into a right, who feel that the fate of the Republic is so dependent on me fessing up, let me, as a final gesture of grace, give you what you want. You want the truth? You want to know what I really think? Well, here it is. She [ bleep ].